Freefall

It's almost too easy. Something has to go wrong, because there's no way it could possibly go so right for any length of time. You're turning into more than I thought you ever would, than I ever contemplated possible. Unknowingly, I let you under my skin, and you seem comfortable, happy to stay there. You've been able to do what nobody has done before, and that scares me in the most exhilirating of ways.

I'm throwing myself in at the deep end here. I don't know how to swim, I just hope I don't sink.

Turning point

I realise now that I was fooling myself. I never wanted you. I wanted to think I did, because it stopped me feeling so empty. You would have been bad for me though, I would have been bad for you. Your feelings were bordering on obsession, mine on apathy. Wrong from the start. Unhealthy. But I wish you well, and I want nothing but the best for you. I'm in a better place now. I'm starting to see myself with new eyes. You didn't do that for me, I didn't do it for myself, an outside force is to thank for this turnaround.

Regardless of the source, which may be fleeting, the future is never stable..regardless, this may be the turning point. A new me.

Two faces of the same old coin

I don't like who you become when he's here. You're not the person I've known forever. You're smug. Selfish. Aloof. Judgemental. He's nothing special you know. He lies too. He's dishonest. You know this and it makes you overly defensive and protective. I can't understand it.

But I'll sit in silence until it passes, I'll get rid of your tear-stained tissues when he leaves. Again.

This world is harsh and cold

Call me names? Accuse me of being something that I'm not? That says far more about you than me. The quality that you saw in me is still there, it's just not directed at you anymore. That's not just my fault. You wanted to smother me, make me yours and keep me in a box, but I fought back. And that's what pissed you off. That's what you can't handle.

Would you have rathered lies? Pretended to have feelings that weren't really there? Then I would deserve the names you call me, the accusations you throw at me. But go ahead. I can take it. I can be the bigger person, and you can be the child. I've moved on, and you're the one stuck in the past.

Nothing more than expected

You could be Someone. Right now, you're someone I know, but don't know. I know what you tell me, I don't ask questions, you don't expect me to. It's not that I'm not interested. I just don't like to pry. If someone wants to tell me things, to draw me in, it's up to them to do it. I don't know if you'll ever be Someone. I don't know if you want to be. I don't know if I want you to be. There's a game being played and I can't tell who the player is, who the pawn is. If both are both. I don't know what the prize to be won at the end of the game is, and I don't know if I want to win it. I don't know how to play.

Can you tell me the rules?

Feathers in the air

I want to cage you. To have you as mine, to protect you from the world. To show you off, but rarely let you fly. To keep you close. I'd keep the key to your cage in a pocket of my heart, always with me, never lost, never lent. I'd take care of you, give you what you need, what you want, as well as I possibly could. But would that be enough? I fear not. I fear that no matter how happy I'd try to make you, however devoted I would be, however besotted, I'd be destined to fail.

You're not mine to cage. You're not mine to trap, to admire and hide as I please. You are like a wild bird, destined to fly, to share yourself with the world, to be free. Not imprisoned, by cage or by heart. To cage you, would be wrong.

But I'll keep the cage door open, just in case. Just in case.

Broken hearts and painted faces

He would have loved me. That's not vanity, it's fact, pure and simple. I don't know what quality he saw in me, but it was there, for him. He revelled in it, shared it, took joy from it. I did, too, at first. At first. My smiles in the beginning were genuine, unforced, and hard to shake from my face. People noticed, commented, were happy for me.

But smiles fade. Mine did. His didn't. His grew, while mine turned from smile to wince. The attention that was once so craved, so wished for, soon became a hassle, an annoyance. Almost like a small puppy that at first is so adorable, soon becomes tiresome in it's constant presence. I continued in the pretence, tried to convince myself that it was natural to feel this way, a new person threatening to take your independence, to take part of you for themselves, it's normal to feel a resistance to it. Lying to myself, and him.

So I had to set him free. Create some distance. Hurt him to save him from being hurt. His only crime? He wasn't you.